My Mental Crisis
“If not today, then when will I finally make a commitment of my own?” This is a question I have asked myself before, and I can finally say, “I made my decision!!” I have rebooted my life before; however, this time it has been a radical decision to stay truth to my moral upbringings and most importantly to my God. I cannot deny I have made too many mistakes in my past, but I know apart from the regret and sorrow they brought me – they also allowed me to physically and mentally understand what I vaguely knew on the surface. It is with great pleasure that I return to you all on this lovely evening.
Today I want to share my most
personal experience with mental illness I just encountered for the second time
last year. In my previous blog, I had discussed the first time event as it
happened – never to think I would remotely experience it for a second time. I
hate to admit it, but I too as a believer suffered from anxiety, severe
depression, and was suicidal in my thinking. It hurts deeply to acknowledge such
symptoms, specially knowing I had overcome them once before. This time around
it was a snowball effect, and twice as severe circumstances. Just to recap the
first episode of my mental illness:
I was still in college, my senior
year & one semester away from graduating, when that summer I got too caught
up in my thinking and planning that the depression began. It began with not
sleeping well, and slowly progressed to depression. I kept denying I was
depressed and said it was just an insomnia problem. At that time, I had no
medical coverage and I was co-dependent on over the counter sleeping pills. It
lasted four grueling months that I refer to as my hell on earth experience.
When I finally confronted my symptoms for what they were, I was able to slowly
start the healing process. I eventually ended up dropping out of college. I was
still admittedly seeking some type of employment and with no luck. I then
enrolled at another college for physical therapy assistant program – that too
was unaccomplished.
After that first encounter with
depression, I thought I had learned all I knew about it and how to watch out
for early symptoms to prevent it from coming again. The second episode resulted
from me taking care of my mother. She started with a mild insomnia and quickly
progressed into severe depression. When I was ill the first time, she had been
my rock through it all. Now the tables had turned and I was not ready at all
from any aspect of what I needed to have. I tried my best to be strong and be
there for her but ultimately she was hospitalized in a mental health clinic, I
couldn’t believe it and I blamed myself for not being strong enough to care for
her as she did with me. This was an ongoing process that lasted about 5 months,
until I could see a real recovery in myself. I was fortunate enough to have
medical insurance this time around. I was taking my medication but saw little
improvement. It took about four to five different kinds of medications to
finally see change happen in me and my health.
The road to recovery has not been
easy, I lied to the psychiatrist who saw me that one time, and I apparently did
a good job of hiding how badly I was really feeling inside. It is scary to
think that even professionals can be lied to by patients, especially in a
mental health care situation of life-threatening consequences/risks. I am
currently, still taking one medication that I am slowly trying to withdrawal
from my body and get back to my normal sleeping melotonin production. My
mother has progressed and her health is slowly getting better. As a believer, I
know now once more the power of prayer and how much that it can do for those
that pray believing for a miracle. Had it not been for my family in Christ all
over the world that interceded on our behalf, I literally don’t know if I would
be alive by now.
I want to share my story once more,
because I know there are still people out there skeptical of what God can do
for you in your own circumstance and situation. Mental illness is the worst
kind of illness because so little is known to really treat the problem. There
is a limited amount of resources available for people and especially for those
with low-income. It is a stigma that has been suppressed in the church, that
believer could never experience such symptoms of depression because the Joy of
the Lord is our strength. Going through these types of symptoms does not mean
you are not a believer or that you must have done something so wrongly to
deserve it; instead, it is a result of our emotions and broken heartiness that
ultimately leads us into a mental crisis. I can say with a whole heart, my
mother is and was a prayer warrior before all of this happened, and the Lord
even fore warned her it was going to happen. She did nothing to deserve this
harsh trial and tribulation, but it is just another part of our lives for a
purpose. God wants to glorify himself in us and sometimes although it is
brutally painful he does it through these crises.
I am happy once more, and I have
never felt so complete in my life. I am starting to put together my first
autobiography, and I hope it will be published this year as soon as possible.
Everyone around the world must know of my story and life experiences, so that
they too may come to know the God that has spared my life more than once. I am
a miracle of God and I can never do anything to deserve His forgiveness for all
my sins, but I thank Him today and every day for giving me eternal life. Thank
you for reading this short blog post, as always I want to be of a blessing to
you through my writing. If you are interested in knowing more about me feel
free to follow me on social media via Facebook, Instagram, Google + , and Twitter.
Have a blessed day and remember there is nothing God cannot change in your life
to make it better. He will bring healing and deliverance into your life if you
just let Him in your heart.
Love,
Ana Gonzalez
Xoxo J
Hebrews
13:6 King James Version (KJV)
6 So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my
helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.
i pray the lord continues to meet you in your needs.
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