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My Mental Crisis

“If not today, then when will I finally make a commitment of my own?” This is a question I have asked myself before, and I can finally say, “I made my decision!!” I have rebooted my life before; however, this time it has been a radical decision to stay truth to my moral upbringings and most importantly to my God. I cannot deny I have made too many mistakes in my past, but I know apart from the regret and sorrow they brought me – they also allowed me to physically and mentally understand what I vaguely knew on the surface. It is with great pleasure that I return to you all on this lovely evening.

Today I want to share my most personal experience with mental illness I just encountered for the second time last year. In my previous blog, I had discussed the first time event as it happened – never to think I would remotely experience it for a second time. I hate to admit it, but I too as a believer suffered from anxiety, severe depression, and was suicidal in my thinking. It hurts deeply to acknowledge such symptoms, specially knowing I had overcome them once before. This time around it was a snowball effect, and twice as severe circumstances. Just to recap the first episode of my mental illness:

I was still in college, my senior year & one semester away from graduating, when that summer I got too caught up in my thinking and planning that the depression began. It began with not sleeping well, and slowly progressed to depression. I kept denying I was depressed and said it was just an insomnia problem. At that time, I had no medical coverage and I was co-dependent on over the counter sleeping pills. It lasted four grueling months that I refer to as my hell on earth experience. When I finally confronted my symptoms for what they were, I was able to slowly start the healing process. I eventually ended up dropping out of college. I was still admittedly seeking some type of employment and with no luck. I then enrolled at another college for physical therapy assistant program – that too was unaccomplished.

After that first encounter with depression, I thought I had learned all I knew about it and how to watch out for early symptoms to prevent it from coming again. The second episode resulted from me taking care of my mother. She started with a mild insomnia and quickly progressed into severe depression. When I was ill the first time, she had been my rock through it all. Now the tables had turned and I was not ready at all from any aspect of what I needed to have. I tried my best to be strong and be there for her but ultimately she was hospitalized in a mental health clinic, I couldn’t believe it and I blamed myself for not being strong enough to care for her as she did with me. This was an ongoing process that lasted about 5 months, until I could see a real recovery in myself. I was fortunate enough to have medical insurance this time around. I was taking my medication but saw little improvement. It took about four to five different kinds of medications to finally see change happen in me and my health.

The road to recovery has not been easy, I lied to the psychiatrist who saw me that one time, and I apparently did a good job of hiding how badly I was really feeling inside. It is scary to think that even professionals can be lied to by patients, especially in a mental health care situation of life-threatening consequences/risks. I am currently, still taking one medication that I am slowly trying to withdrawal from my body and get back to my normal sleeping melotonin production.   My mother has progressed and her health is slowly getting better. As a believer, I know now once more the power of prayer and how much that it can do for those that pray believing for a miracle. Had it not been for my family in Christ all over the world that interceded on our behalf, I literally don’t know if I would be alive by now.

I want to share my story once more, because I know there are still people out there skeptical of what God can do for you in your own circumstance and situation. Mental illness is the worst kind of illness because so little is known to really treat the problem. There is a limited amount of resources available for people and especially for those with low-income. It is a stigma that has been suppressed in the church, that believer could never experience such symptoms of depression because the Joy of the Lord is our strength. Going through these types of symptoms does not mean you are not a believer or that you must have done something so wrongly to deserve it; instead, it is a result of our emotions and broken heartiness that ultimately leads us into a mental crisis. I can say with a whole heart, my mother is and was a prayer warrior before all of this happened, and the Lord even fore warned her it was going to happen. She did nothing to deserve this harsh trial and tribulation, but it is just another part of our lives for a purpose. God wants to glorify himself in us and sometimes although it is brutally painful he does it through these crises.

I am happy once more, and I have never felt so complete in my life. I am starting to put together my first autobiography, and I hope it will be published this year as soon as possible. Everyone around the world must know of my story and life experiences, so that they too may come to know the God that has spared my life more than once. I am a miracle of God and I can never do anything to deserve His forgiveness for all my sins, but I thank Him today and every day for giving me eternal life. Thank you for reading this short blog post, as always I want to be of a blessing to you through my writing. If you are interested in knowing more about me feel free to follow me on social media via Facebook, Instagram, Google + , and Twitter. Have a blessed day and remember there is nothing God cannot change in your life to make it better. He will bring healing and deliverance into your life if you just let Him in your heart.


Ana Gonzalez

Xoxo J

Hebrews 13:6 King James Version (KJV)
So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

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